Is my child vulnerable?

Most parents worry about whether or not their children are vulnerable to be molested. Those that don't, should.

The short, simple answer to this question is "yes". Your child is vulnerable. All children are. However, some children are more vulnerable than others. So which children are more vulnerable?

Who gets targeted?

The children who are targeted are often the outsiders. The are the unpopular kids, always hanging around the fringes of their peer groups. They have low self-esteem, they lack confidence and they are isolated from their peers. They have weak social skills. They are lonely and desperate for attention, affection and acceptance.

Where is the public outcry?

*** May Trigger ***

I love watching my daughter sleep.

There is nothing more peaceful than my little girl, curled up under her flowery duvet, red curls spread all over the pillow, breathing softly. I find myself counting her dark eyelashes, etched against her pale skin. I itch to move the one soft curl that always insists on falling over her face, but I never do, for fear of waking her. Where does she go at night? Does she fly away to far off lands in her dreams, populated by fairy queens and unicorns, witches and wizards with pointy hats, riding broom sticks? Does she ever dream of me?

Does she know that I watch her sleep, drinking in her peace?

One in four girls are sexually abused before they reach the age of 18.

One in six boys are sexually abused before they reach the age of 18.

The vast majority of these children will never get help, either because they never tell, or because they tell and no one believes them. Of those who are believed, too many will hear, it's over now. Just forget it and move on with your life. Only a small minority will get real help.

Please listen when a child asks for help!

If there is one thing that upsets me, both as a father as an abuse survivor, it is the ease with which too many people discount abuse.

People cite several reasons for not believing accusations of abuse, and I would like to address some of them:

"He has always been a difficult child. This is just another way to make his parents life hard".

Abused children are often difficult children. Abused children don't know how to relate to people in a healthy way. They have issues with authority. They lack self-respect, and therefore aren't able to respect others. They know the language of violence better than any other. They tend to act out in a misguided attempt to get attention, to be seen and heard, or because they aren't able to act in any other way.

Is he accusing his parents because he is a difficult child, or is he a difficult child because his accusations are true?

Lessons learnt from the Sandusky trial

I have been following the Sandusky trial and I believe there are a number of lessons that can be learnt from it.

1. Sandusky was a good guy

What was not to like? He was the benevolent football coach with the goofy grin, the founder of Second Mile - a program for at-risk youth. He loved children and children loved him. He even received an "Angels in Adoption" award in 2002.

He was not creepy. Children were not visibly afraid of him. No one reported getting a feeling that "something was off" when meeting him. No one suspected that he was a sexual predator.

Lessons learnt

• Don't count on being able to tell that someone shouldn't be trusted. Sexual predators are complex people. They can be "good" people in other ways, and are often generally liked. 
• Don't trust someone with your child just because he seems to be a good guy.

Talking to your child if you suspect that they are being sexually abused

I would like to share an excellent article from the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network:

Summary:

Parents are surrounded by messages about child sexual abuse. Talkshows and TV news warn parents about dangers on the Internet, at school and at home. However, parents don’t get much advice on how to talk to their children if they are concerned that sexual abuse is occurring.

Talk to your child directly.

• Pick your time and place carefully!
• Ask if anyone has been touching them in ways that don’t feel okay or that make them feel uncomfortable.
• Follow up on whatever made you concerned. If there was something your child said or did that made you concerned, ask about that.
• Talk with your child about secrets.

What parents should know about sexual abuse

*** May Trigger ***

Who abuses children?

Most people have the mental picture of the creepy guy, hanging out at the children's playground wearing a black trench coat, waiting to kidnap little girls. However, this cannot be further from the truth. Abuse perpetrated by strangers make up only a tiny minority of cases.

Some statistics:

1. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday.
2. More than 90% of abusers are know to, and trusted by their victims.
3. About 30% of abusers are family members
4. Not all child sexual abuse is perpetrated by paedophiles. 
5. Gay men are no more likely to abuse children than straight men.

Female predators

Numbers for female predators vary wildly. Incidence studies, and studies done on conviction rates, show that less that 10% of convicted sex-offenders are female. However, prevalence studies, where people are asked if they had been abused, reveal much higher numbers, with some placing the number above 40%.

The swim-suit rule

As the father of a young girl, as well as an abuse survivor, one of my top priorities in life is to protect my daughter from ever experiencing abuse. The reality is that 1 in 4 girls, and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they come of age. So how can a parent enhance their child's chances of being among the 3 out of 4, the 5 out of 6?

One good tip I've come across is the underwear rule. The basic idea is that no one is allowed to touch your child in areas normally covered by underwear, and that you should not touch someone else there.

When teaching it to my daughter, I amended it slightly. Since my daughter does not wear bras yet, I thought there was a risk that she might not understand that her breasts are part of the no-touch zone. So I taught it to her as the "swimsuit rule".

I urge every parent or prospective parent to spend some time reading that site, and following their recommendations. It might just save your children from becoming another victim.

How will a spanking ban help abused children?

The New American recently reported on a controversial law passed in Delaware, that effectively bans parents from spanking their children in the home. It quoted Biden saying "Far too many children are the victims of abuse, neglect and assault and [this bill] will go a long way to better protect the children of this state".

Not being familiar with Delaware legislation, I studied the laws in question, and what I learnt there left me convinced that this law will not help to protect abused children at all.

The first thing that caught my eye, was the definition of child abuse as given in the bill:
"Abuse" means causing any physical injury to a child through unjustified force as defined  in §468(1)(c) of this title, torture, negligent treatment, sexual abuse, exploitation, maltreatment, mistreatment or any means other than accident."