Is my child vulnerable?

Most parents worry about whether or not their children are vulnerable to be molested. Those that don't, should.

The short, simple answer to this question is "yes". Your child is vulnerable. All children are. However, some children are more vulnerable than others. So which children are more vulnerable?

Who gets targeted?

The children who are targeted are often the outsiders. The are the unpopular kids, always hanging around the fringes of their peer groups. They have low self-esteem, they lack confidence and they are isolated from their peers. They have weak social skills. They are lonely and desperate for attention, affection and acceptance.

Where is the public outcry?

*** May Trigger ***

I love watching my daughter sleep.

There is nothing more peaceful than my little girl, curled up under her flowery duvet, red curls spread all over the pillow, breathing softly. I find myself counting her dark eyelashes, etched against her pale skin. I itch to move the one soft curl that always insists on falling over her face, but I never do, for fear of waking her. Where does she go at night? Does she fly away to far off lands in her dreams, populated by fairy queens and unicorns, witches and wizards with pointy hats, riding broom sticks? Does she ever dream of me?

Does she know that I watch her sleep, drinking in her peace?

One in four girls are sexually abused before they reach the age of 18.

One in six boys are sexually abused before they reach the age of 18.

The vast majority of these children will never get help, either because they never tell, or because they tell and no one believes them. Of those who are believed, too many will hear, it's over now. Just forget it and move on with your life. Only a small minority will get real help.

Visiting my father's grave, redefining "me"

My father, my abuser, died last year.

His sister called me and asked me to the funeral. I didn't go. I have never felt anything but fear and hatred for him. I had no desire to spend the day surrounded by people who had loved him, who thought he was a good man.

This weekend, I went to visit his grave for the first time.

I expected to be angry. I expected to be overcome with a desire to vandalise his head-stone. To piss on his grave, so to speak. Instead, I stood quietly, devoid of any raging emotion. I read his name on the head-stone, and I felt that it was a stranger's name. The surname is the same as mine, but that was where the connection ended. The inscription didn't even mention me. It said only "beloved brother..."

Fitting, I suppose, since he disowned me years ago.

Please listen when a child asks for help!

If there is one thing that upsets me, both as a father as an abuse survivor, it is the ease with which too many people discount abuse.

People cite several reasons for not believing accusations of abuse, and I would like to address some of them:

"He has always been a difficult child. This is just another way to make his parents life hard".

Abused children are often difficult children. Abused children don't know how to relate to people in a healthy way. They have issues with authority. They lack self-respect, and therefore aren't able to respect others. They know the language of violence better than any other. They tend to act out in a misguided attempt to get attention, to be seen and heard, or because they aren't able to act in any other way.

Is he accusing his parents because he is a difficult child, or is he a difficult child because his accusations are true?

Abuse does not have to be physical

There is a very common misconception that abuse is when a parent beats or starves a child, or when a child is sexually assaulted. Emotional, verbal and psychological abuse is very much a hidden epidemic. Recently I discovered, to my dismay, that in some places even the laws reflect this misconception.

As an abused child, I lived through many traumatic experiences. One of the most traumatic experiences was something that could easily have passed without notice. There was no aggression, neither a hand nor a voice was raised. There was no sexual suggestion, not even the most subtle hint. It was just a simple sentence, spoken in an unemotional, level voice.

Now I see why not even your own parents could love you. You're just too fucking useless.

It's over - Just forget about it and focus on your future...

I have lost count of the number of time I've been given this well-meant advice.

It's over. Just forget about it and focus on your future.

Abuse survivors have been saying for decades that this simply isn't possible. Your past is always with you. There is no getting away from it. When that past contains child abuse, it is even more inescapable.

I could write volumes full of emotional tirades about what daily life feels like for an abuse survivor. I can post neat, bullet lists containing things such as "depression", "anxiety" and "trauma". I will not post yet another list, but if you want to see one, feel free to check the lists from www.child-abuse-effects.com and www.turningpointservices.org. For a very thorough breakdown of the effects of abuse on future mental and physical health, also check out http://acestudy.org.

The problem with these lists of "symptoms" is that while they define the "it" we should "get over", they don't explain why we can't.

So why can't we?

I believe the answer lies in early childhood development and neurobiology.

Lessons learnt from the Sandusky trial

I have been following the Sandusky trial and I believe there are a number of lessons that can be learnt from it.

1. Sandusky was a good guy

What was not to like? He was the benevolent football coach with the goofy grin, the founder of Second Mile - a program for at-risk youth. He loved children and children loved him. He even received an "Angels in Adoption" award in 2002.

He was not creepy. Children were not visibly afraid of him. No one reported getting a feeling that "something was off" when meeting him. No one suspected that he was a sexual predator.

Lessons learnt

• Don't count on being able to tell that someone shouldn't be trusted. Sexual predators are complex people. They can be "good" people in other ways, and are often generally liked. 
• Don't trust someone with your child just because he seems to be a good guy.

What parents should know about sexual abuse

*** May Trigger ***

Who abuses children?

Most people have the mental picture of the creepy guy, hanging out at the children's playground wearing a black trench coat, waiting to kidnap little girls. However, this cannot be further from the truth. Abuse perpetrated by strangers make up only a tiny minority of cases.

Some statistics:

1. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday.
2. More than 90% of abusers are know to, and trusted by their victims.
3. About 30% of abusers are family members
4. Not all child sexual abuse is perpetrated by paedophiles. 
5. Gay men are no more likely to abuse children than straight men.

Female predators

Numbers for female predators vary wildly. Incidence studies, and studies done on conviction rates, show that less that 10% of convicted sex-offenders are female. However, prevalence studies, where people are asked if they had been abused, reveal much higher numbers, with some placing the number above 40%.

How will a spanking ban help abused children?

The New American recently reported on a controversial law passed in Delaware, that effectively bans parents from spanking their children in the home. It quoted Biden saying "Far too many children are the victims of abuse, neglect and assault and [this bill] will go a long way to better protect the children of this state".

Not being familiar with Delaware legislation, I studied the laws in question, and what I learnt there left me convinced that this law will not help to protect abused children at all.

The first thing that caught my eye, was the definition of child abuse as given in the bill:
"Abuse" means causing any physical injury to a child through unjustified force as defined  in §468(1)(c) of this title, torture, negligent treatment, sexual abuse, exploitation, maltreatment, mistreatment or any means other than accident."

Male sexual abuse myths and facts

Please read the full article on www.malesurvivor.org.

Myth #1 - Boys and men can't be victims.

Fact: Boys are children - weaker and more vulnerable than their perpetrators - who cannot really fight back.

Myth #2 - Most sexual abuse of boys is perpetrated by homosexual males.

Fact: Pedophiles who molest boys are not expressing a homosexual orientation any more than pedophiles who molest girls are practicing heterosexual behaviors.

Myth #3 - If a boy experiences sexual arousal or orgasm from abuse, this means he was a willing participant or enjoyed it.

Fact: In reality, males can respond physically to stimulation (get an erection) even in traumatic or painful sexual situations.

Myth #4 - Boys are less traumatized by the abuse experience than girls.

Fact: Males may be more damaged by society's refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization, and by their resultant belief that they must "tough it out" in silence.