Letter to my big brother

Brother,

When I was a little boy, you were my hero, my rock, my guiding light. When I scraped my knees and our mother couldn't be bothered to pay attention, you cleaned them for me. When my father beat me, you read me stories until I stopped crying. When he was screaming at my mother in the kitchen, you taught me to put my hands over my ears and sing. When my mother couldn't be bothered to give us something to eat, you showed me where she kept the bread. You beat up any bully who as much as looked at us. You walked us home from school. You helped me with my homework.

And you made me suck you penis.

You were a lost child. You mother, for reasons I will never understand, took you from your dad and delivered you into the hands of a monster. Your step father, my father, beat you. He used you for an ashtray. He raped you. I don't know how old you were when he started abusing you, but I remember the first time he raped you, because that was the day I saw you die before my six-year-old eyes. Still, you found it in yourself to try to protect me, the child of your abuser.

Confusion and self-loathing

I feel like I owe you, my readers, an apology. I haven't posted in a while. I meant for this to be an uplifting and informative blog. It is hard to post something uplifting and informative when you are hanging onto sanity with your fingernails. So please forgive me for posting about my own struggles yet again.

I have never been under any illusion that my father was a good father. I have never been able to refer to him as "dad". Dad is a title that is earned. He has never earned it.

There is, however, a world of difference between a bad father and an evil person, between an abusive parent and a pedophile. This weekend, I was forced to admit that my father had stepped over that line. He was not only a bad parent, he was a bone-fide pedophile. He was the type of man who picks out vulnerable boys, grooms them, and then sexually abuse them repeatedly, over a period of years. He is no better than Sandusky, Savile, or those thousands of boyscout leaders and Priests. He was a predatory pedophile who preyed on innocent young boys.

About guilt, shame and innocence

A lot has been written about the guilt and shame that abuse survivors suffer from, especially male survivors of sexual abuse. Often, even after we've come to reject that stigmas that society clouds us with, it is still near impossible to shake feelings of guilt and shame.

What I've realised in the past few weeks, is that the guilt is a crutch in itself. A dysfunctional crutch, yes, but a crutch no less. It's all about control.

When a child is abused, there an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. The perpetrator is bigger and stronger, even if only mentally, and he overpowers the victim and forces him to do things that violate his very being. The victim is powerless to resist. Even adult victims of sexual assault reports an overwhelming feeling of helplessness and of loosing control of their bodies. When the victim is a small child and the perpetrator is someone who is already in a position of authority, the power balance is skewed even before the abuse occurs. Afterwards, should the victim speak out, it is often only to discover that no one believes him, or worse - that no one is prepared to help him. This adds another load to the weight of helplessness that the victim is already carrying around.

Is my child vulnerable?

Most parents worry about whether or not their children are vulnerable to be molested. Those that don't, should.

The short, simple answer to this question is "yes". Your child is vulnerable. All children are. However, some children are more vulnerable than others. So which children are more vulnerable?

Who gets targeted?

The children who are targeted are often the outsiders. The are the unpopular kids, always hanging around the fringes of their peer groups. They have low self-esteem, they lack confidence and they are isolated from their peers. They have weak social skills. They are lonely and desperate for attention, affection and acceptance.

Where is the public outcry?

*** May Trigger ***

I love watching my daughter sleep.

There is nothing more peaceful than my little girl, curled up under her flowery duvet, red curls spread all over the pillow, breathing softly. I find myself counting her dark eyelashes, etched against her pale skin. I itch to move the one soft curl that always insists on falling over her face, but I never do, for fear of waking her. Where does she go at night? Does she fly away to far off lands in her dreams, populated by fairy queens and unicorns, witches and wizards with pointy hats, riding broom sticks? Does she ever dream of me?

Does she know that I watch her sleep, drinking in her peace?

One in four girls are sexually abused before they reach the age of 18.

One in six boys are sexually abused before they reach the age of 18.

The vast majority of these children will never get help, either because they never tell, or because they tell and no one believes them. Of those who are believed, too many will hear, it's over now. Just forget it and move on with your life. Only a small minority will get real help.

Catholic Church Fights Extended Statute of Limitations on Sex Abuse Cases

From Sexual Abuse Resource Network:

Published June 14, 2012

While a handful of states work to lengthen the statute of limitation on child sexual abuse cases, the Catholic Church is battling back, insisting that reliable evidence can't be found when several decades have passed. A story published by the New York Times reveals that the Catholic Church has already spent some $2.5 billion on legal fees, settlements and prevention programs. If states were to allow a wider "window" of time for child sexual abuse cases to be prosecuted, the church will certainly face even greater financial challenges – and certain legal action.

The church has gone all-out to campaign against such legislation, getting bishops and parishoners alike to pressure legislators. Their urgency to maintain the status quo underscores their lack of concern for sexual abuse victims and their insistency to continue covering up their crimes.

If the hundreds of sexual abuse victims of Catholic priests are going to ever receive justice, it will require lifting the statute of limitations and finally making the church take legal and financial responsibility for their crimes against children. And, while the church continues fighting this measure, we see once again that its focus is not on the well-being of its victims, but rather on protecting its own.

Shame on them. Again.

Please share this message. Silence is a pedophile's best friend.

The "Vampire Syndrome" myth, part 2

After writing my post on the "Vampire Syndrome" myth, another paper and even more powerful proof of its untruth have come my way.

This paper highlights several more problems with existing studies that claim to "prove" the existence of the so-called abuse-cycle.

From a 1979 study by A. Nicholas Groth:

He studied 348 convicted sexual offenders, with a control group of 62 male police officers, and claimed to have established that convicted sexual offenders have a significantly higher chance of having been sexually traumatised as children. However:

What parents should know about sexual abuse

*** May Trigger ***

Who abuses children?

Most people have the mental picture of the creepy guy, hanging out at the children's playground wearing a black trench coat, waiting to kidnap little girls. However, this cannot be further from the truth. Abuse perpetrated by strangers make up only a tiny minority of cases.

Some statistics:

1. 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before their 18th birthday.
2. More than 90% of abusers are know to, and trusted by their victims.
3. About 30% of abusers are family members
4. Not all child sexual abuse is perpetrated by paedophiles. 
5. Gay men are no more likely to abuse children than straight men.

Female predators

Numbers for female predators vary wildly. Incidence studies, and studies done on conviction rates, show that less that 10% of convicted sex-offenders are female. However, prevalence studies, where people are asked if they had been abused, reveal much higher numbers, with some placing the number above 40%.

The swim-suit rule

As the father of a young girl, as well as an abuse survivor, one of my top priorities in life is to protect my daughter from ever experiencing abuse. The reality is that 1 in 4 girls, and 1 in 6 boys will be sexually abused before they come of age. So how can a parent enhance their child's chances of being among the 3 out of 4, the 5 out of 6?

One good tip I've come across is the underwear rule. The basic idea is that no one is allowed to touch your child in areas normally covered by underwear, and that you should not touch someone else there.

When teaching it to my daughter, I amended it slightly. Since my daughter does not wear bras yet, I thought there was a risk that she might not understand that her breasts are part of the no-touch zone. So I taught it to her as the "swimsuit rule".

I urge every parent or prospective parent to spend some time reading that site, and following their recommendations. It might just save your children from becoming another victim.

Survivors have an obligation to speak up

Standing up and saying to the world "I was abused' is hard. It is even harder if you are a man and even harder than that if you were sexually abused. No one knows that quite as well as those of us who have been there.

I reached the point of being able to say "I was abused" in my early twenties. Being able to talk about it was liberating, and very helpful in helping me process what had happened. But I have never been comfortable with telling people "I was sexually abused". There is always that little voice in my head that says what will people think? Will they suspect me of being a sexual predator? Will they still trust me around their kids?

About a year or more ago I realised that in refusing to be specific about the type of abuse I suffered, I am guilty of fuelling that stigma. By refusing to be completely honest, I am re-affirming to others that being a sexual abuse survivor is something to be ashamed of, something to hide, something that should not be spoken about. And by affirming this stigma, I am failing to use an opportunity to encourage boys and men to speak up and get the help they so desperately need.

With this in mind, I am starting to believe that as a survivor who have arguably progressed further than many others in my healing journey, I have an obligation to stand up and say "I am a survivor of sexual abuse". I should be offering myself as living proof that the stigmas are unfounded, just as I have been testifying for years that there is life after addiction.

Even as I am typing this, I am thinking about the effort I made to keep this blog anonymous. Isn't preaching about speaking up while staying anonymous a bit hypocritical? And yet, I shiver at the thought of having everyone in my life know my history...

I don't know if I could do it.

The "vampire syndrome" myth

I want to spend some time exposing the truth behind the so-called "vampire myth" - the myth that male sexual abuse survivors more often than not end up becoming sexual predators. This terrible myth is among the most powerful factors that contribute to silencing abused boys.

MYTH: Most sexual predators were victims of child abuse themselves

The scientific argument:

This is based on many studies that were done on convicted sex-offenders. The flaw in these studies are that they rely on self-reporting. And no only self-reporting, but self-reporting by people who are in desperate need of something that could justify their own actions, and who are well aware of this myth. The number of inmates who reported being victimised as children are significantly lower in studies where polygraph tests were used.

The logical argument:

Different sources have different figures, but one thing that is constant is the fact that paedophiles/sex-offenders tend to molest many children over their lifetime. Some sources put the number as high as 260. Now, if every paedophile molests many children, and the vast majority of these grew up to be paedophiles, why does the one in six statistic for boys who are abused, not increase? If this myth was true, the vast majority of men would be paedophiles by now.

Male sexual abuse myths and facts

Please read the full article on www.malesurvivor.org.

Myth #1 - Boys and men can't be victims.

Fact: Boys are children - weaker and more vulnerable than their perpetrators - who cannot really fight back.

Myth #2 - Most sexual abuse of boys is perpetrated by homosexual males.

Fact: Pedophiles who molest boys are not expressing a homosexual orientation any more than pedophiles who molest girls are practicing heterosexual behaviors.

Myth #3 - If a boy experiences sexual arousal or orgasm from abuse, this means he was a willing participant or enjoyed it.

Fact: In reality, males can respond physically to stimulation (get an erection) even in traumatic or painful sexual situations.

Myth #4 - Boys are less traumatized by the abuse experience than girls.

Fact: Males may be more damaged by society's refusal or reluctance to accept their victimization, and by their resultant belief that they must "tough it out" in silence.