Epilogue

It's been a year since I've posted here, and I think this blog needs some form of closure. Yes, I use the word closure because I think that I have reached a natural end to what I started here. I wanted to tell my story, and I did. I wanted to get the truth out there, and while there will always be more truth to tell, I believe I have said on this blog what I wanted to say. I have laid bare the basic facts of abuse as I experienced it, and hopefully I have dispelled some myths, and shed light upon some mysteries. The last few posts on this blog veered closer to chronicling my personal journey, and that was never my intention.

And so, for the sake of closure, I post one final update, a sort of epilogue to my story.

When will it end?

I haven't posted here in a while. In a way, I feel bad. When I created this blog, it was with one main purpose:  truth. Too few people know the truth about child abuse - about how common it is, how devastating it is, and most importantly, how false most of the so-called "knowledge" about abuse that is out there really is.

I started the exercise by writing down my own story, in all it's sordid detail. I did not expect it to affect me as much as it did. I did not expect to end up on the Bathroom floor, one dark night in January, with a razor in my hand and agony in my soul. So I did what I had to do so many time before to survive - I picked myself up, put down the razor, and reached out to a therapist. Slowly, things got better again, and a few months later I was ready and motivated to not only finish my story, but to jump head first into this blog, using every spare moment to turn this into source of information - a source of truth - about abuse.

To This Day Project - Shane Koyczan

I came across this video about bullying recently. Watching it, I realised that even though I was never bullied very harshly, the poem still resonated with me. I realised again how little difference there really is between child abuse and bullying, apart from the age of the perpetrator(s).

Arguments used to discredit survivors

There are a number of standard arguments used by predators and their lawyers to discredit those who accuse them sexual abuse. This is my response to them.

He (the accuser) is troubled/emotionally unstable. You cannot take him seriously.

There are two responses to this, both of which are often true for any specific survivor.

First, it is well known that predators often target troubled children. The quite boys, the outsiders and the misfits are simply more susceptible to grooming and easier to isolate from their peers. The lonely child is much more likely to respond to perceived kindness and acceptance from the predator. How many survivors have echoed the statement that "he made me feel special"?

Letter to my big brother

Brother,

When I was a little boy, you were my hero, my rock, my guiding light. When I scraped my knees and our mother couldn't be bothered to pay attention, you cleaned them for me. When my father beat me, you read me stories until I stopped crying. When he was screaming at my mother in the kitchen, you taught me to put my hands over my ears and sing. When my mother couldn't be bothered to give us something to eat, you showed me where she kept the bread. You beat up any bully who as much as looked at us. You walked us home from school. You helped me with my homework.

And you made me suck you penis.

You were a lost child. You mother, for reasons I will never understand, took you from your dad and delivered you into the hands of a monster. Your step father, my father, beat you. He used you for an ashtray. He raped you. I don't know how old you were when he started abusing you, but I remember the first time he raped you, because that was the day I saw you die before my six-year-old eyes. Still, you found it in yourself to try to protect me, the child of your abuser.