Epilogue

It's been a year since I've posted here, and I think this blog needs some form of closure. Yes, I use the word closure because I think that I have reached a natural end to what I started here. I wanted to tell my story, and I did. I wanted to get the truth out there, and while there will always be more truth to tell, I believe I have said on this blog what I wanted to say. I have laid bare the basic facts of abuse as I experienced it, and hopefully I have dispelled some myths, and shed light upon some mysteries. The last few posts on this blog veered closer to chronicling my personal journey, and that was never my intention.

And so, for the sake of closure, I post one final update, a sort of epilogue to my story.

Recovering from the loss of my late wife

My story ended with the loss of my wife and unborn child. I still don't believe that loosing someone so important, so suddenly, is a pain that ever completely heals. I will always love her and miss her. There will always be a little pocket of pain deep inside me, but there is life after such loss. I did learn to live without her and be happy. I made new memories, and I am now able to remember the good times we had without being overcome with grief. 

I have met someone else, and after a lot of thinking and self-examination, accepted that to move on, is not to betray my first big love. I did not replace her - I merely started a new chapter in my life. I chapter that now also includes a strong, healthy and very cute 5 month old boy, for whom I would lay down my life without thinking twice. 

I have a real family again, and it feels good.

My older brother

One of the my more distressing experiences of 2012/2013, was recovering memories of being abused by my older brother. This discovery shattered a lot of what I had always believed to have been good. But - I am happy to say that I have worked through that trauma, and I have reached a point where I can have compassion for him, as an abused boy who had been taught, under threat of violence, to abuse his brothers. To have expected him to take responsibility for what he did, would have been unfair. I believe that he loved us. I believe that what he did must have haunted him till his death. Perhaps it played a role in the way he willingly risked his life by joining the special forces.

I have forgiven my brother for what he did, and can once more remember the times he stood up for us and tried to protect us. I can, once again, look up to him as the older brother I wish I still had. I wish I could look him in the eyes and tell him this...

My cousin

In early 2013, I found out that my father also abused my cousin, who is a few years younger than me. He finally found the courage to speak up, but unfortunately only after the effects of the suppressed trauma had destroyed his marriage, and most of him. I had hope that like us, he would recover and rebuild his life, but tragically, it was too much for him. He took his own life a few months later.

Rest in peace, my cousin. I hope that you are happy where you are now, and free from all the pain in your past.

What the future holds

Who knows what the future holds? All I know is that right now, I am content to nurture my family, to be the best father I can be, and to give my children all the love, protection and support I never had.

I will probably not post to this blog again, and nor will I visit malesurvivor again. It is a chapter in my life that is over, and even though I feel some obligation to support other men who have not yet reached this point, I don't think I am strong enough yet, to dive back into that world. I still cherish my dream of starting a safe-house for troubled teenage boys, and over the next few years I hope to start working towards realizing that dream.

If any of my friends from malesurvivor are reading this - please take care of yourselves, stay strong, and keep working at your recovery. And feel free to drop me a mail to say hi at any time!