Wednesday, 23 January 2013

Confusion and self-loathing

I feel like I owe you, my readers, an apology. I haven't posted in a while. I meant for this to be an uplifting and informative blog. It is hard to post something uplifting and informative when you are hanging onto sanity with your fingernails. So please forgive me for posting about my own struggles yet again.

I have never been under any illusion that my father was a good father. I have never been able to refer to him as "dad". Dad is a title that is earned. He has never earned it.

There is, however, a world of difference between a bad father and an evil person, between an abusive parent and a pedophile. This weekend, I was forced to admit that my father had stepped over that line. He was not only a bad parent, he was a bone-fide pedophile. He was the type of man who picks out vulnerable boys, grooms them, and then sexually abuse them repeatedly, over a period of years. He is no better than Sandusky, Savile, or those thousands of boyscout leaders and Priests. He was a predatory pedophile who preyed on innocent young boys.

Monday, 7 January 2013

Gun control, mental health and trauma

Ever since Sandy Hook, there has been a lot of discussion on the web about gun-control and whether or not it could have saved those children.

My personal belief was that regardless of what caused his mental illness, Adam Lanza was a dangerously unstable young man. His mother should not have been allowed to keep multiple fire-arms within his reach. Would lack of easy access to firearms have stopped him? Not necessarily, but it might have slowed him down and forced him to think twice.

I am told that to check mental health records and interview friends and neighbours of people who share the home of the applicant, or even the applicant himself, is to convict someone before a crime has been committed. In America one is innocent until proven guilty, and one should not be treated as a potential criminal until a crime has been committed. One should not be required to give up one's constitutional rights until there has been a conviction.

It is a noble argument, but I'd like to call bullshit.

Thursday, 3 January 2013

Love, loneliness and trust

Hello again to all my readers. I had a good vacation, but it's also good to be back. I wish you all the best for the new year!

I spent the week-and-a-bit that I was away with my head deliberately stuck in the sand. We cut ourselves off from radio, TV and newspapers, and even ignored out cellphones most of the time. I banned my history and any form of child-abuse as topics of conversation. We immersed ourselves in the beauty of nature and in each other. It was wonderful. I managed to go an entire week without one nightmare.

Of course, I knew all the time that I'd have to pull my head out of the sand and face up to reality again. PTSD will always catch up with you. Real life is full of triggers. But I learned something: I caught a glimpse of what life can be - a life that is centred around love and hope, not fear and pain. A life without loneliness.